thinking is feeling

2.4.2009 1:10pm O`ahu time, on the runway
the beautiful new journal Aunty Terri and Kyle gave me comforts me as Hawaiian flight 455 to Manila prepares to lift off. i try not to feel the heaviness. i try not to think about what i'm leaving behind, i try not to be overwhelmed. if i think too much i'll begin weeping uncontrollably. ironic -- if i think too much, i'll feel too much. as if they could be disentangled, thinking and feeling. in a way i envy baby being able to feel everything fully in his body in the relative privacy of the car in the airport parking lot. if i were to do the same we would have inconvenient theater, of the kind no one enjoys on a plane, myself included.
salamat sa mga ninuno, they are with me now when no one else i know and love is.
a woman across the aisle from me crosses herself. will i go to church in the PI? i'm vexed when i consider what situation could compel me to do such a thing. cultural drag is difficult to sport when it is cultural drag. who will i be constantly becoming while i'm there? someone who feels mute, american, godless, fragile? someone who goes to church? someone who commits inscrutable, irredeemable acts? someone who is happy?
i've been preparing forever. baby sister said do a little everyday. i've been doing a lot every day for a month. and Iokepa helped so much, supported me, supports me, endlessly.
salamat sa ninuno. i am grateful for their guidance on this trip.
excitement, anticipation, the buzz from wanderlust fulfilled, anxiety, terror, hunger, bladder fullness, longing, heartbreak, loneliness, fretfulness, relief, calm. thinking is feeling.